“Netflix and Chill” is OUT! “Stream Pregnant Giraffes in Labor and Dry Hump” is IN and the Internet Should Be Able to Get Enough!

giraffeeHarmony, Match.com, Tinder, Grindr and OKStupid are all seeing a surge of users adding “watching pregnant giraffes about to give birth on the internet” to their hobbies on their profiles. It seems that the hottest new thing on the internet is watching live giraffe births as they happen!

We spoke to Cheryl Comstock, an American Executive Vice Paper Shuffling Coordinator at a health insurance company, who is wasting hours upon hours of her precious life watching a very pregnant giraffe in the hopes it’ll drop a baby while she’s tuned in. She told us a little about her pathetic obsession, “I don’t know what it is that calls me to sit here like some kind of perverted creep waiting for the giraffe to go through the agonizing birthing process. Maybe it’s the anticipation or the novelty of an animal with an especially long neck, I’m not sure I’d tune in to watch a mammal with a normal sized neck give birth. Certainly I don’t give a shit about the multitude of animal species I’d cook for my family or friends if I had any. Worse, I’m well aware that the moment of birth will be captured by the live feed and I’ll be able to watch it later but I just kind of like the peacefulness of sitting alone in front of a computer screen waiting for an animal that belongs on the African savanna locked in a barn with cameras capturing her most intimate moment like I’m some kind of Bond villain or some fancy pants post-Patriot Act President spying on a giraffe’s phone calls.”

Here’s your fix, you sick, lonely, creepy weirdo:

Do you love spying on animals with odd proportions? Let us know in the comments!

 

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