Earlier today President and, if I may say so, very handsome, big handed man, Donald J Trump signed an executive order to go ahead with construction of a crude oil pipeline that will cross the 35 yard line of “sacred Redskin land,” FedEx Field, home of Washington’s National Football League team. The pipeline, which started construction at 3 AM this morning, just shortly after Trump Tweeted his approval for the bad ass pipeline, has D.C. area football fans up in arms. These little twerp snowflakes who oppose President Trump’s decree from on-high claim the location is right across what these cuck fans are calling a “sacred” playing field for their “Redskins” which isn’t even a real name anymore. Sad. In this reporter’s opinion they sound like a bunch of sissies and sore losers.
Trump says that he hasn’t received one single fax complaint on his Presidential facsimile machine so you know they’re full of it. Trump further explained that the pipeline will soon be winning with fans, big league. He compared it to the parquet floor of the Boston Garden or the Green Monster of Fenway or the ivy walls at Wrigley and says it will give games an “XFL” like atmosphere as players attempt to run and throw around the exposed iron and concrete pillars. Sounds cool to me!
Environmentalists expressed concerned that world class athletes hopped up on science’s most advanced performance enhancing drugs to the point they no longer meet most medical definitions of “homo sapiens” could collide with concrete and steel that’s been worn by weather and crack open one of the pipes. Trump eased those concerns by reminding everyone that the country has a tremendous track record when it comes to protecting the big 3.5 American professional sports, especially the NFL. He did admit that the worst case scenario is the pipes rupturing during the playoffs when the Washington team isn’t playing and no one notices for a couple months.