We found this incredible fan theory that former RNC chairman and current White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus is a Sith Lord! The brilliant theory which is making the rounds online in Star Wars fan forums, on political blogs and the innumerable dedicated Star Wars YouTube channels speculates that all of the events of the past few years have been the scheme of Grand Leader Reince Spoke all along!
The theory begins by hypothesizing that the so-called Republican Autopsy was actually a tactical distraction released by a master puppeteer bent on a complete autocracy. The seemingly impossible events that have lead to the election of Donald J. Trump align with Priebus’ rise to power. Let’s analyze the timeline that the theory uses to make the case for Priebus being the one behind everything that’s happened since the autopsy:
- Barack Obama defeats Mitt Romney leading to Michael Steele, the first African American chairman of the RNC, to be ousted.
- Reince Priebus, a man whose name sounds like a noise Hitler would make when he sneezes, is elected the new leader of the Grand Old Party of the Republic.
- Priebus calls for a “Republican Autopsy” to determine how the Imperial poster boy Romney lost a second Clone Battle to the nerf herding alien Obama despite listening to the advice of shape-changer Steele who had infiltrated nerf herding culture.
- The autopsy is a red herring created by Priebus to placate the trade federations while he places his pieces on the chess board.
- He and his Sith underlings go onto Sunday morning shows like Face the Galaxy and talk of the Grand Old Party taking immediate action on things like:
- Immigration reform
- Minority outreach to increase the Stormtroopers base
- The crippling epistemic closure where citizens are repulsed by the GOP’s complete inability to compromise with any dissenting voice
- To stop being the party of rich guys with lots of Imperial Credits.
- The second master stroke of his grand plan is to not do jack shit about any of that shit.
- Republicans win state and national seats in 2014 over the well-meaning but generally oblivious Cuckold Knight Council
- He now starts totally doing all that shit again.
- He reaches out to his Celebrity Apprentice, Count Bannon, to begin prepping Don Vader, Kylo Cruz and Viceroy Rubio to see which can slay Jeb, son of Bush, and emerge from their three way saber rattling battle to face Hillary Solo.
- Meanwhile, Count Bannon under the direction of Supreme Leader Priebus sees a New Hope rising within the ranks of the normally docile donkeys, Bernie Peoplerepresenter, and sees an opportunity.
- Long ago Colin Pow Lie Bout, W.M.D. told Hillary Solo how to set up a private server for privacy, that server, naturally, was set up so it could be compromised.
- Don Vader emerges as the easy victor slaying Jeb!, Kylo Cruz and Viceroy Rubio with a combination of schoolyard bullying, genital humiliation and Tweets.
- Count Bannon leaks transmissions from Hilary Solo’s server to Julian Albino, a truth miner with a grudge against Clinton, through a series of tubes. Albinp releases the data.
- Don Vader using a combination of his previous tactics and death powders he snorts to enhance his strength defeats Hillary Solo by the narrowest of systems, with more total citizens, especially in heavily populated areas like Coruscant, voting for Hillary by a large margin.
- Bannon and Priebus assume their power as their puppet, Don Vader, quickly puts them into position of nigh unlimited power.
- Jar Jar Pence joins with Don Vader and they rule as empty figure heads spreading Priebus’ terror throughout the galaxy.
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