The news cycle has been so consumed with the roller coaster that is the 2016 Presidential election that lame duck President Barack Obama was able to put together a last minute bailout package that has taken the Beltway press off guard and has his own party up in arms.
The President told a handful of reporters assembled in the Rose Garden, “America is a two party system, this is not specifically stated anywhere in the Constitution but it is implied if you kind of read between the lines. America is dependent on a political system with two parties that are just negligibly different, no more than two, no less than two. Unfortunately, the Republican Party is clearly on the verge of collapse thanks to the Tea Party and Donald Trump revolutions. The Libertarians and Greens are too dissimilar from Democrats to be a viable replacement and they have dangerous ideas about health care reform, renewable energy, privatized prisons, the war on drugs, the war on the oil producing world and poverty that would really make our corporate sponsors who fund our campaigns and give us cushy jobs when we leave office very angry. America has been at war since 2001. We cannot risk breaking that streak, citizens questioning the constant survelience and police state we currently enjoy or a change in our outstanding record of nation building.
Unfortunately, the Republican Party is clearly on the verge of collapse thanks to the Tea Party and Donald Trump revolutions
“Therefore I am announcing a taxpayer funded bailout of the Republican Party effective tomorrow. I’ve arranged for some of the brightest television political commentators and wittiest comedians and Tweeters to announce that they now support GOP policies and candidates. Also, many right leaning but sane Democrats free of any sex or financial scandals will switch their allegiance and join with the Grand Old Party, most taxpayers will hardly even notice this subtle shift in policy. Under this agreement Republican leaders have agreed to admit climate change is man made but will offer a ludicrous ‘nuclear winter’ solution that will ensure that nothing is actually done about it.”