President Barack Obama stunned the White House Press Corps this morning when he announced in a hastily assembled press conference that he was signing an executive order to exclude on-line comments written in all caps from Constitutional protections afforded by the First Amendment.
“I assure my fellow Americans that if you want to say 9/11 was a controlled explosion or that I’m a secret Muslim or there are lizard people living underground and working with the government you are still free to do so…” – President Barack Obama
Obama explained, “Look, our founding fathers couldn’t have possibly foreseen the massive amount of Americans on the internet spewing hateful language, cutting and pasting garbage science and just abusing upper case typography in general. If Gutenberg had a Facebook account and read the comments on any news story where race, politics or religion are discussed and seen the vile dialog that takes place he may have regretted inventing the printing press altogether. So we examined our options and determined that our best legal course of action was to not go after the speech but rather the delivery method and since the vast majority of these cyber-psychopaths virtually shout using all caps we specifically targeted that. So I assure my fellow Americans that if you want to say 9/11 was a controlled explosion or that I’m a secret Muslim or there are lizard people living underground and working with the government you are still free to do so as long as you only capitalize the first letter of the first word of a sentence and proper nouns.”
Donald Trump was quick to take to Twitter and respond in an angry, profanity laced series of Tweets that were immediately deleted by the popular social media site because they were written in all caps. Additionally word from InfoWars.com is that Alex Jones fainted upon hearing the news and his caretakers are struggling to determine if he is conscience or not.