The Zuckerbergs $3B Plan to Bribe Disease

zuckFacebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan have an ambitious goal to eradicate the world of all diseases, ailments and pain within 10 years. This isn’t just a pie-in-the-sky proposal either, it has a serious bankroll as Zuckerberg intends to offer all the world’s diseases over 3 billion dollars in settlement money to “just go away.”

Zuckerberg announced “We knew that it would be crazy to try and cure, prevent or manage all diseases in just 10 years so we took another approach – hush money. We figure most diseases have very basic needs and desires so this kind of generous cash payout, even spread among every virus and bacteria on earth from cancer to the common cold would be be taken seriously by the disease lobby. Who knows, maybe ALS just wants to take a break and buy itself a little something special, ya know? Maybe check out Europe or get a hot tub. Consider this an offer they can’t refuse.”

For it’s part, Mercury PR, the firm that was tasked with rehabilitating Michigan Governor Rick Snyder’s image is now representing the world’s diseases and issued a statement on behalf of their client. “Although we do enjoy our day to day jobs annoying, crippling and killing the two legged vermin who run roughshod across the globe we are compelled by this generous offer by Mr. Zuckerberg and his lovely wife. We feel that this offer is a great place to begin our negotiations and look forward to coming to the table to finally make peace. After all, all of human history is a long time to be fighting.”

Zuckerberg wrapped up his comments with this, “If the disease lobby doesn’t take the 3 billion we are still committed to this fight and we will probably use the money to buy 20 or 30 Epi-Pens and give them to some local schools.”

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