Outrage as Greedy Heimlich CEO Raises Price on Namesake Maneuver

heimlichDr. Henry Heimlich, the inventor of the life saving maneuver bearing his name, was scheduled to talk to lawmakers on Capitol Hill today along with Mylan Pharmaceuticals CEO Heather Bresch to answer questions about the sudden rise in price of his company’s signature medical treatment. 

Fortunately for Dr. Heimlich time ran out as Congress peppered Bresch with questions about the price gouging of the EpiPen for so long that they went over. He will be rescheduled but many buffet patrons and Americans who hate chewing their food are understandably outraged and refuse to wait any longer. They argue that every time the anti-choking maneuver is performed on them it is more expensive thanks to HeimlichCo’s new trademark and patent on the move that frees anything stuck in the patient’s air pipe.

“If you can’t afford to be rescued by the Heimlich Maneuver, I guess you shouldn’t be eating, you should be looking for a j-o-b… that spells JOB!,” Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver.

“If you can’t afford to be rescued by the Heimlich Maneuver, I guess you shouldn’t be eating, you should be looking for a j-o-b… that spells JOB!” Heimlich told reporters who audibly gasped at his words. Heather Bresch who was by his side chimed in, “Yeah, if you’re not capable of getting $300 bucks together to buy an Epi-Pen I don’t think you really need to be saved. It’s like Ben Franklin said to poor Philadelphians when he patented the lightning rod, ‘tough titties.”

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