Tragedy struck the Schlitterbahn water park in Kansas earlier this week and the NRA, who have long fought against government regulation regardless how popular or sensible, was quick to step in and argue that closing the park or talking about ride safety in the immediate wake of the accident would be premature and reactionary.
Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president and CEO of the NRA, spoke through a press release “Certainly our thoughts and prayers are with the family of the boy but we think that a conversation about closing the park, the slide or any additional safety measures like height and weight regulations at this sensitive time would be inappropriate. A giant waterslide is to a backyard Slip and Slide as an AR-15 is to a simple hunting rifle, they’re the same, safe tool in different packaging. If you ban children or any short or skinny Americans or people with terrorist sympathies in their backgrounds from using these larger waterslides you’re going to turn them into outlaws since they will no doubt try and access them on the black market.
“We feel that all waterslides are protected by the Declaration of Independence under the right to the ‘pursuit of happiness’ and that America’s tallest, fattest citizens should not be the only group with access to these tools of happiness that are as safe as a wading pool. I mean, our children’s mascot Eddie Eagle certainly wouldn’t condone taking the joy of shooting guns away from our 5-11 year old Eagle Eye Shooters nor would we wish to take their waterslides.”
You may remember that the NRA recently took a stand against all traffic laws and they feel this waterslide defense is a natural extension of that effort. At that time LaPierre said, “People are going to break the law anyway so we can no longer bother with laws that just impede the right-away of good guys. These restrictive traffic laws, even those designed for safety only oppress the GOOD drivers. Therefore I anticipate a 0% increase in fatalities, in fact, I think these newly liberated good drivers will help keep the bad drivers in check. Especially if they have a gun.”