The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration is pleading with NBA commissioner, Adam Silver, practically begging him to put a freeze on the 2016 free agency period. It seems that slighted fans from Oklahoma to Miami are burning the jerseys of their departing stars en mass causing an unnatural rise in temperatures across North America and impacting the path of the jet stream.
Jim Hubbard, press secretary for NOAA, spoke, “We need to stop fans from burning these highly toxic jerseys of players like Kevin Durant, Dwayne Wade and god forbid LeBron James if he decides to leave Cleveland yet again. We have reason to believe burnt jerseys following LeBron’s ‘Decision’ had a large part to play in the potency of Hurricane Irene which devastated the Caribbean and much of the East coast. We feel Mr. Silver not only has a responsibility to help protect the environment but also the integrity and competitiveness of the NBA. If this continues unabated we could lose Florida and New Orleans to rising ocean levels. What’s worse is we’re only going to have 3 or 4 roundball teams even worth watching. Also, these contracts are ridiculous. I don’t even know who half these shitty players are.”