Readers have flooded our inbox with questions regarding [INSERT INEFFECTUAL LEGISLATOR]’s recent tweet that [HE/SHE] is sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of [INSERT RECENT GUN RELATED TRAGEDY] asking where exactly do these “thoughts and prayers” end up and how exactly do they help protect Americans going forward?
So we called the Post Master General and requested a tour of the facility that was built in 1947 to house the flood of letters to Santa Claus the USPS received in the wake of the hit film Miracle on 34th Street. He says that letters to the jolly old elf are down thanks to internet apps and “sleigh” tracker technology on local newscasts but grown adults and congressional legislators keep them plenty busy with their equally fantastical wishes.
“These congressmen and women are the ones that really get me. They don’t even qualify their request for this invisible superman in the sky to do their job for them with an ‘I’ve been a good boy or girl’ they just flat out expect to do nothing, in fact, they keep taking money from the gun industry that profits from these tragedies and worst of all if by some miracle a bill or law DOES actually materialize and come in front of them they vote it down immediately and say ‘this is not the time.” Zachary Dundee, spokesman for the United States Postal Service told us. “It’s like the lawmakers don’t actually want the thing they tell us they want. It boggles the mind… Hey, did you hear that? Was that a gu…”