Report: 4/5 Americans Think TSA is Kabuki Theater, on Watch List for Saying “Kabuki”

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Do you think airport security checkpoint lines are unnecessarily long and slow-moving? Do you think the agents are simply going through the motions and that many of the techniques are pointless scenes of kabuki theater? Well, you and your family may be on the terrorist watch list, Mr. Cynical.

Homeland Security is filtering your phone records looking for people who use words with more than 3 syllables, people that use words with no English equivalent like “falafel” and citizens who have challenging games like sudoku installed on their smart phone.

We spoke to Homeland Security director Jeh Johnson, “We consider these to be anti-American activities. Americans eat food in nugget form, they like to get shitty mileage, they use imperial units of measure and Fahrenheit to measure the temperature, they drink Big Gulps and put truck nuts on their cars. If you don’t fit that bill, you’re going on the watch list, mister. Or misses. Or miss. Or they. Or it. Whatever, God damn liberals.”

Here’s some of the TSA’s greatest hits:

  • Shoe bomber results in every passenger having to take off their fucking shoes like they’re entering a Japanese pagoda as they go through TSA checkpoints.
    • Pros:
      • No repeat shoe bombers.
    • Cons:
      • No repeat shoe bombers because this was a stupid fucking plan from the get go. This is like checking the Goodyear Blimp for hydrogen because of the Hindenburg. They’re not stopping Goodyear from using hydrogen, Goodyear has no interest in using hydrogen.
    • How pointless is this:
      • Completely. No one has been caught trying to repeat this dopey plan.
  • Underwear bomber results in every passenger having an x-ray photo taken of them that graphically displays their genitalia to a low level government employee who undoubtably thinks it’s hilarious/sexy.
    • Pros:
      • No repeat underwear bombers.
    • Cons:
      • The guy burned off his pants and the flesh of his nut sack, even suicide bombers aren’t interested in repeating this moron’s plan.
    • How pointless is this:
      • Worse than pointless, a violation of our constitutional right to privacy.
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