Michigan Will Fine Panhandlers $100 Because That’ll Totally Work

homeless_man_soliciting_employment_ypsilanti_michiganLANSING, MI – Lawmakers in Lansing, the capitol of Michigan, met yesterday to solve problems facing the state like only they know how. Faced with a Detroit public school system that is in ruins, a municipal water system in Flint that has poisoned its citizens and destroyed potential businesses and home owner’s confidence in the struggling town, a governor who burns over $6k a day of tax payer money fighting civil lawsuits brought against him and the worst roads in the United States the satisfied legislative body turned its attention to “aggressive panhandlers.”

Aggressive panhandlers are those who follow, touch or repeatedly ask for change after being told “no” and Michigan, a state that recently decided to further tax retirees while easing taxes on corporations, thought panhandlers were an untapped revenue stream.

Rep. Gary Howell,R-North Branch, disagreed that this was a money grab. He said he motioned to move the main bill out of committee after his wife was intimidated by a panhandler outside a grocery store and this seemed a whole lot easier than addressing Michigan’s poverty problem head on, preferring to sweep it under the rug. Asked how he expects the homeless and poor to pay the hefty fine Howell shrugged and said “I dunno, maybe they can raise taxes on goods and services of everyday people or dip into school funding. That’s what we always do and that’s worked great so far.”

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