OFCOURSEITIS, Florida – Noted neighborhood watchman, right wing golden boy and acquitted-murder-opportunist, George Zimmerman, has recently gone to the online auction site, eBay, to place his immortal soul up for bids! The lovable goof had tried to auction off the handgun he used to shoot and kill unarmed teen Trayvon Martin on GunBroker, an auction site for firearms. The site quickly removed the listing after outraged citizens complained, many of whom are completely unaware that Martin was wearing a hoodie when he was shot.
So, the ever resourceful Zimmerman has taken to eBay to list his soul which he miraculously still somehow has the deed to. Zimmerman admits in the listing that the soul does have a lot of mileage on it, what with the murder and the domestic abuse and the online taunting of Black Lives Matters and just being an overall douche bag.
We reached out to Baphomet, aka the Prince of Darkness, aka Lucifer, aka Satan, aka Beelzebub through our connections at the Satanic Temple of Detroit and he said he had browsed the listing but was unimpressed, “Frankly, no one has been collecting human souls longer than I have and, don’t get me wrong, I do love adding infamous souls to my collection but I’m nonplussed. The online market and shows like American Pickers and Pawn Stars have really inflated the prices on souls and this dude is small potatoes in the grand scheme of things and his reserve is way too high. The reality is I’ll end up with it in the end, a lot of these collectors hearts just aren’t into it. They don’t realize how expensive it is to house a douchebag’s soul, it’s not like adopting a puppy or a human baby. This is for eternity and you need a very, very hot environment to keep these bitchy little spirits from acting up. So, tell your readers to go online and impulse buy a Zimmerman or a Nugent soul. I guarantee I’ll see them in a couple millennia, tops, and they’ll be begging me to take it off their hands for pennies on the dollar. This scenario is, literally, as old as time itself. Rest easy, Zimmerman will be mine in the end.”