Words Hurt – University of Michigan First to Ban Adjectives on Campus

university-of-michigan-800x430Americans are becoming more aware of how their casual comments, jokes and put-downs can inflict lasting pain on their target, even when said in jest. Now psychiatric applied linguistic researchers at the University of Michigan are starting to understand the pain that all descriptive words, even complimentary ones, can inflict.

In fact, Game of Thrones star, Maisie Williams, recently told the U.K.’s The Telegraph that’s she’s had it with being burdened with a terrible, divisive adjective… cute!  What other adjectives are we recklessly throwing around without regard for how they land on their hapless noun?  Cute? Poor? Handsome? Fat? Olive-skinned? Pale? Pinkish? Sleeveless? Raspy? Edible? Homeless? Young? Hunky?

Our experts at U of M have the answer – all of them. That’s why this coming semester the school with ban all adjectives from campus. “Adjectives only serve to define our differences, not our similarities and they separate us. They categorize us and therefore, they must be eliminated from the English language before they can do any more emotional harm,” Professor Clarence Coddlesworth told This Should be the News.

The ban extends not only to adjectives that describe people but animals, plants and inanimate objects. Students are being asked to report on their fellow students who break the language code. The first offense will result in a written warning. Second offense will be a removal from safe space privileges for a week, meaning they will attend their classes via Skype at a public bus terminal where they are exposed to the real world and the insensitive creeps that inhabit it. The third offense will result in a one year internship with Don Rickles, famous insult comedian and potential Trump cabinet member.

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