Hillary Wins “Top Chef” Honors By Microwaving Bernie’s Leftovers

topchefPresidential hopeful Bernie Sanders can’t seem to catch a break, he’s won several caucuses, a string of primaries and the Time Magazine’s Person of the Year online poll yet somehow he still ends up in second place! Be it fewer delegates or a different Person of the Year it is almost like there’s a concerted media and political conspiracy against him to maintain the status quo… but that would be crazy!

The most recent defeat could be the most baffling of the bunch – a loss to democratic rival Hillary Clinton on a celebrity edition of Top Chef. No one expected much from the shlubby, everyman senator from Vermont but Bernie impressed with an elegant, scratch made pressed duck with field greens tossed with a maple syrup mustard dressing and a side of fingerling new potatoes poached in duck fat, garnished with pink Himalayan rock salt, shaved Vermont truffles that he foraged himself and fresh flat leaf parsley from his wife, Jane’s garden. He followed this up with a maple syrup and walnut gelato that he learned to make from friends Ben and Jerry. Padma Lakshmi was visibly impressed with the dish but, being a fashion model, did watch her portions. She left nearly half the meal on the plate to save room for secretary Clinton’s presentation.

Hillary Clinton jumped on this opportunity and quickly bussed the gorgeous model’s plate for her and rushed to the microwave where she reheated the whole plate, including the greens which wilted to a mushy compromise of their previous potency and the ice cream which melted under the microwaves of discontentment. She then dumped it all together into a mixing bowl and used an ice cream scoop to portion out four equal leftover lumps, stuck a sprig of rosemary into each food ball and rushed them back out to the service room. The judges were taken back and Bobby Flay appeared to have very aggressive heartburn. This was hardly the dish she came into the show thinking she’d make, Sanders had command of the kitchen and his pairings and flavor profile were speaking to the judges’ pallets so she commandeered some of the better aspects of Sanders menu and haphazzardly mixed them with her own.

The judges all used their Diebold voting machines, some votes weren’t counted due to registration issues at the machine but, hey, it’s only a TV show, a privately operated entity that can run it however they see fit, right?  The results were read by the always lovely Padma after the final commercial break and wouldn’t you know it? Hillary’s plucky last minute audible and quick thinking won the day again! She walked out with the honor of Top Chef. Bernie was given a handsome second place ribbon and was thanked for elevating the contest with his original ideas and enthusiasm and was asked to kindly go away and never mention this ever again. It’s really wonderful to see democracy in action.


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