EARTH, MILKY WAY – The planet Earth woke up today to hundreds of thousands of “happy Earth Day” messages on it’s Facebook wall and Twitter feed but the humble Class M planet was left disappointed that it did not get it’s Earth Day wish yet again. That wish? The complete and utter violent extermination of the human vermin that have plagued it’s precious mantle since the Industrial Revolution.
The pale blue dot hurdling through the cosmos is left to ponder the unthinkable – is the creator no longer paying attention to its prayers or, worse yet, is she dead?
The planet didn’t always hold this staunch anti-homosapien stance, once openly enjoying the quirks and similarities of the bipedal peoples scattered on every continent. Their songs, their art, their gardens, literature and was even amused by their wars over petty differences that were laughable, especially on a cosmic scale. These were all a welcome diversion for a planet billions of years old.
However, soon the species started to wear out its welcome. Like a house guest that invites friends over, trashes the house and prances around in their dirty underwear the human filth started to burn forests at unsustainable rates, they flattened gorgeous, eons old mountains to bits just to harvest the elements within, they polluted the waters, they set off thermonuclear devices in stupid displays of strength, they created earthquakes to harvest gasses that are harmful to the atmosphere they breathe and they burned coal and oil at alarming rates further polluting the environment the Earth had taken billions of years to carefully cultivating just so they could prosper.
Now it is time for a change. The Earth feels disrespected and scarred. It welcomes the next chapter in its Book of Life, in fact it is begging the creator. After all it hardly misses the exotic dinosaurs that once roamed its surface anymore. Just send a meteor, a plague, a flood, a super volcano, anything… It’ll get over the human scourge in a couple hundred thousand years – that’s just a drop in the bucket in cosmic terms.