Ted Cruz Endorses Hideous Sex Doll to Help Sinners Beat Urge to Masturbate

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Texas senator and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz has lent his likeness to a inflatable sex toy meant not to titillate but to repulse.

Ted realizes that in the current cultural climate outlawing the sale of dildonics and banning masturbation for non-medical reasons is highly improbable so he seems to have said “if you can’t keep them from beating it, join them… And turn their stomach to make them stop.”

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The doll comes with a detachable Texas-sized dildo that would make Donald Trump blush. It’ll be available in finer adult bookstores, fundamentalist churches and Cruz campaign stops.

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