BOMONT – Influential preacher and John Lithgow lookalike, Rev. Shaw Moore, has been lobbying Bomont city council members, the mayor and going door to door soliciting support for his anti-Burger King bathroom boot knocking legislation.
Bathroom laws are all the rage following North Carolina and Mississippi’s “religious freedom” laws that are intended to allow discrimination against LGBT individuals. The laws have businesses threatening to boycott and musicians Bruce Springsteen and Bryan Adams cancelling concerts. You may remember the fiery reverend from his long, losing battle against dancing in Bomont that was captured in the 1980’s documentary Footloose. He cites the sad fate of Humpty Hump when his life was ruined by water closet coitus as one of many reasons he feels that people, regardless of gender or sexual preference should refrain from making whoopie at the home of the Whopper sandwich. The new law also prevents transgender citizens from using either bathroom for any reason.
Legislators passed the law and the mayor signed it into law earlier today. Rev. Moore spoke to supporters after the signing, “Burger King is known for letting you have it your way, well if your way is depraved, in a public restroom I say you can hold the pickles, hold the lettuce and definitely hold the mayo. Oh and if you’re into special orders, whatever that means, do upset us! You’re just going to have to hold it until you get home from now on.”