Warner Brothers studio went into full-on panic mode after box office tallies for Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice dropped 67% in the second week of its release but studio heads think they have the answer. Warning spoilers below!
“Clearly giving control to Zack Snyder has been catastrophic. We loved what he did with Watchmen but he doesn’t seem to know the core characters in the DC Universe or if he does he hates them. He only likes to use material from non-canon graphic novels or one off comics where the characters exist in an alternate universe and differ greatly from their decades long histories in their monthly series,” said the moron in charge of DC films.
“Apparently people don’t like a Superman who is more like a SuperMopeyMan and bitches about having to save people and although they liked Ben Affleck as Batman, they don’t like that Batman seems to have no issue with murdering small time thugs indiscriminately and actually seems to go out of his way to do so in several scenes. No one understands why Aquaman is dusty while he’s underwater and why he wants to poke a camera with his trident and they prefer their Jimmy Olsens not getting shot in the head for “fun” in the first act of the film. We should have known something was up when he started talking about the possibility of a zombie Superman,” the jackass added.
“I wish Holly Hunter’s agent would have spoke up when Snyder asked her to act opposite a jar of fucking urine. That’s not ‘dark’ or ‘adult’ that’s like a frat boy stunt you pull when you’re an immature jackass. How did no one call that out? There was at LEAST 10 people working on this movie, someone should have spoke up. And why are Superman and Batman so fucking dumb? They fall for some remedial plot by an obviously mentally unstable weirdo. Also, why would Luthor want to release Doomsday anyways? If he kills Batman and Superman it’s not like he’s going to retire. It’s a fucking unstoppable monster and would likely kill everyone. Furthermore, if he knew about Flash, Cyborg, Aquaman and Wonder Woman why didn’t he plan on all of them showing up to the fight? I mean, he spent a lot of time drawing them logos and giving them names. He even applied their logos to his little superfolders,” the dimwit went on.
“And Martha? Oh, geez. Batman drones on and on about what it means to be a man but they’re both momma’s boys as soon as they hear their mommy’s name. The fuck is up with that?” the dipshit further explained.
“So, I’m out of ideas. Christopher Nolan won’t take my calls and he keeps returning all the edible arrangements we send him. We need to get Snyder out and we need to fix this all… fast. I’m calling in the Avengers. Sony did it with Spider-Man, I’m doing it with Superman and Batman. Have you seen the trailer for Captain America: Civil War? It looks fucking amazing and then Spidey appears! Holy shit! Imagine if those guys had some of comics most historic, beloved and popular characters? Man, they’d knock it out of the park. I’d really love a taste of that payday. Where do I sign?”