Kirkuk, IRAQ – The so-called Islamic State held its annual terror combine this week to showcase the top suicidal recruits in the competitive business of endless jihad. Young men came in droves from all over the world hoping for a place in the big leagues of terror.
However, one amateur high school standout, Abu al-Qasim, was beside himself after putting up a poor score in the 50 meter dash and struggling to meet the minimum monkey bar time required to get considered for the more fashionable, internet savvy, hip world of ISIS terrorism, as opposed to the seemingly stodgy and out of touch old school Al Qaeda.
We were with Abu as he was passed over for a position in ISIS and was taken by Al Qaeda late in the evening of the draft. He told us, “Osama Bin Laden? Was he even a real guy? I can’t believe I choked so bad. These guys don’t even have a Snapchat account. I’m beside myself. Seriously, I’m suicidal and not the noble kind of suicidal where I strap a bomb to myself and take out some children or innocent women with me. Just plain, go home, put on some Leonard Cohen and slit my wrists suicidal. This is the worst day of my life.”
Abu was shipped off to join his new brothers in Al Qaeda the next day. We understand he is working on designing a promotional flyer using Microsoft Word and is adjusting to life as a second rate terrorist. He says he still hopes to get called up to the bigs and we wish him all the best!