North Korea Vows To Preemptively Nuke Itself

DearLeaderSOUTH KOREA – Following joint U.S. and South Korea military exercises in the Sea of Japan, North Korea and its diminutive leader have threatened to launch a preemptive nuclear strike that will wash away all enemies of the state.   In January of 2016 North Korea claimed to have tested a hydrogen bomb and followed up in February with a launch of an earth satellite into orbit via the long-range Kwangmyongsong carrier rocket.  It was later discovered that the satellite’s cardboard exterior was quickly vaporized on launch thereby exposing the Radio Shack 2 way walkie talkie internals and barely made it above the cloud line.  The rocket blew apart and came crashing back down to earth as a mighty display of power.

These early ‘successes’ have emboldened the tiny leader’s ambitions.  Early spy satellite reports show a nuclear-tipped Kwangmyongsong carrier rocket headed toward the border on launch trucks.  Footage obtained by TSBTN correspondents show friendly Chinese border guards kindly pointing towards the South Korea border over 200 miles in the other direction.  The launch trucks have turned around and will head back to Pyongyang for further instructions.  The early mistakes in navigating are believed to have led to the decision from the mini leader to detonate the nuclear bomb near the empty Whole Foods grocery store in Pyongyang as a message to America.

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