Insiders at the Trump campaign say the Donald is starting to show some cracks in his tough guy veneer. The hand-sensitive candidate was reportedly so irate at John Oliver and Marco Rubio pointing out his irregularly small, stubby baby hands that he demanded that his campaign make custom foam fingers based on his own digits.
Trump allegedly took out a sheet of loose leaf paper, traced his hand, wrote “Trump #1” inside the hand and gave it to his head of PR and told her to “make that… exactly like that just five times as big so everyone can see it. I’ll show them who has small hands.”
When the shipment of 20,000 foam Trump Hands arrived at Trump’s HQ he eagerly grabbed a box cutter and dug into the freshly pressed novelties and began to sob openly as he examined the first one. Trump spoke through the pain, “Is this what my hands look like? Is this what you see when you shake hands with Trump? My whole life, my whole identity… Is a lie. I’m a small handed loser.”