Here’s How Many Pizzas You Have to Order in Each State Before A Porn Star Delivers It

pizzaThe United States is a huge country with vast regional tastes, religions and socioeconomic divides but few are as stark as the amount of pizzas one has to order in their state before the lights are dimmed, a wah-wah guitar starts and the clothes come off. And when you see how few pizzas you had to order just a few years ago you might just blow your toppings!

States with big cities like New York, Chicago and L.A. are naturally some of the most costly places to order a pizza in the hopes that a hyper-sexual, attractive delivery person who dabbles in porn will knock on your door, especially when you have no intention of eating the pizza. Fortunately due to the loose morals of most city folk you don’t have to order as many pizzas in those states so their numbers are actually relatively low but at a higher cost per pizza you may spend just as much for less pizza. Thanks to the influx of young aspiring actors California and New York score the lowest with 8.32 and 10.2 pizzas respectively. Illinois comes up the rear with 13.5 pizzas. There was no statistical difference between traditional and deep dish so just order whichever pizza you prefer. Fascinating stuff.

Now your pornographic pizza pleasure dollar doesn’t go nearly as far as it used to. Nationally these averages were far lower in the 1970’s and in the early 1980’s even after adjusted for inflation and in California and New York the ratios were nearly 1:1 – pizza to penis.

The Bible Belt states stunned researchers when they scored relatively low pizza to porn scores with an average score of 17 pizzas in all but Missouri because no one wants to have dirty, dirty sex after eating St. Louis style pizza with Provel cheese. The Show Me State scored lower than anywhere but Alaska and Utah with a dreadful, high-caloric, boner killing 73.3 pizzas.

The Midwest loves their pizza so it is hard to tell if the pizza scores are deluded because the precipitants were so eager to eat the pizza they missed the tale tell pizza courting signals like an unbuttoned collared shirt and a bushy mustache. You can expect to order 22 pizzas in the Midwest before you get some action although sexperts say to avoid Little Caesars since no one reported any sexy time after ordering Pizza! Pizza!

The Dirty South, D.C., Hawaii and American Samoa averaged 25 pizzas. The East coast (excluding NY) had a less than respectable 33. Western states excluding California, Alaska and Utah were further up the scale at 42 pizzas. Alaska had too small a sample size to report results and Hawaii scored a “are you really still reading this?”

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