Hillary Promises to Stick It To Whatever Tomorrow’s Polls Say Motivated Bernie Voters

hillarysandersBig banks? Monsanto? Free trade with communist regimes? Black lives mattering? It appears they’re all now fair game for the Hillary Clinton campaign. The former secretary of state, coming off a Super Tuesday victory, told her staff to prepare to act on tomorrow’s polls in Vermont and Oklahoma where her Democratic opponent, Bernie Sanders, captured more delegates.

An iPhone audio recording captured Clinton’s private postgame staff speech, “I don’t care if it’s the corporate donors who are paying your salaries and putting gas in our bus, the military industrial complex that wines and dines our friends in congress or the bloated, obscene social security payouts of the voters I just shook hands with… Whatever allowed Bernie Sanders to take those states must be absorbed by our campaign and my wikipedia page altered to make it seem like I supported these things all along .”

It’s a poorly kept secret in D.C. that Hillary Clinton, who has been careful to control and manipulate her history with the media to match changing polls on issues like gay marriage, NAFTA and personal bankruptcy laws, has had moles within the Sanders campaign who collect his hair and chewed gum to extract his DNA and slowly weave it into Clinton’s own genetic makeup ever since the senator became a national sensation. In fact, she has hired a team of former Lucas Film employees who worked on the Star Wars Specialized editions.

We spoke to a former Lucas Film employee who worked directly with George Lucas in his Industrial Light and Magic division before joining the Clinton campaign on the promise of anonymity, “Changing Hillary’s record on these things is way easier than making it look like Han Solo shot Greedo first. People remember what happened in Star Wars, they don’t seem to give a shit what happens or has happened to their middle class jobs, their pensions, their right to privacy, their military personnel, their tax money, their health care, their fellow man, their planet, their savings, their infrastructure, their…”

We cut the interview short when we heard that Trump had made a fart joke at a rally. We will have a 4 part, in-depth article on that developing story shortly.

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