The Department of Justice has filed a motion requesting a federal court order Apple to comply with a magistrate’s order that the iPhone maker help them hack off the thumb belonging to one of the San Bernardino shooter suspects in order to gain access to their iPhone via TouchID, a fingerprint sensor built into the latest iPhone handsets.
We asked, Don Blackhat, a DOJ spokesman for comments and he admitted, “We’ve tried hacking this thing with all our best codebreakers. We’ve tried passwords like ‘1,2,3,4’, ‘password’, and ‘jihad’ – all our most cutting edge stuff that’s worked in the past. We’ve tried brute-force hacking software but now we’ve gotten a judge’s permission to just hack off the damn thumb and be done with it but we need Apple’s help building a magical, revolutionary new thumb saw.”
In response Tim Cook issued a statement saying, “It’s the privilege of a lifetime to work with the most innovative people on earth protecting users information and privacy. We make every effort to deliver an elegant experience for users with and without thumbs and Apple does not make comments about future product lines although we certainly could. Apple could deliver thumb saw innovation in such a beautiful, integrated, and easy to use way that all American felony suspects could be thumb-less by Q1 2017 but again, we do not make public comments on our product pipeline plans.”
Apple stock was trending higher in after hours trading on the rumor of a possible iThumbSaw.
UPDATE 2/20/2016 @ 2:45 PM: John McAfee has offered to bite the thumb off for a fistful of greenies.
UPDATE: 2/21/2016 @ 11:22 AM The FBI has admitted that reset the password on the device.
UPDATE: 2/22/2016 @ 10:01 AM The FBI has also admitted that they dropped the handset in a toilet.