Psychiatrists Look to Virtual Reality to Keep Actors from Starting Vanity Rock Bands

notrockstarsNarcissistic personality disorder is a serious metal disease that can have devastating consequences for middle-aged white actors. These delusions of rock grander, which are often inspired by their own over-inflated egos and the yes-men they tend to surround themselves with, make these diseased actors actually think they can switch careers mid-stream and enjoy the same success they did playing make believe in Hollywood.

Their ex-wives and agents rarely share their budding enthusiasm for this new career path but their cries often fall on deaf ears as the actors begin accumulating expensive recording gear, hiring session players and buying rock and roll artifacts that were once owned by actual, competent rock musicians at auction. Years of lucrative acting and tens of thousands of dollars can be wasted as they spiral down the rockstar wannabe toilet bowl but psychiatrists think they may finally have a solution.

Enter virtual reality! Not the crude blocky VR of the 90’s (think Lawnmower Man or Nintendo’s infamous VirtuaBoy console) but new players in the space like Samsung, Occulus VR, Sony, Microsoft and Google. They are developing immersive worlds that need to be experienced to be appreciated.  The technological leap between that first generation of VR and the bleeding edge tech of today is as wide as Snake River Canyon. The real good news is that these new headsets are more than entertainment, they have serious medical applications.

Let’s create a hypothetical male thespian in the throes of a mid-life crisis. He’s a successful actor but he wants to be a rock star. His guitar licks are pedestrian and his songwriting is uninspired, we’ll call him Billy Bob… but his name isn’t important. Psychiatrists are working on a program that would give our Billy Bob the experience he is desperate to have without the danger of ruining his reputation and that won’t break his bank account.

Once Billy Bob puts on the goggles he is instantly a rockstar. He starts his adventure on the tour bus as it pulls up to a 10,000 seat arena, the marquee reads “sold out,” there are screaming fans waiting outside the bus and Billy Bob has the option to sign autographs or snarl and push past the gathered crowd. There are groupies backstage and it looks so real he may just find himself pulling up his actual fly as he approaches the stage. And the stage! The stage seems as real as the most vivid personal memories and the band is even better – with virtual reality there’s nothing stopping one from playing with long gone rock gods like Jimi Hendrix and Keith Moon. Does Billy Bob want to play lead guitar for Guns n’ Roses with Axl Rose on the mic? Well, now Billy Bob can stand on stage with his virtual dick in his virtual hand like some virtual asshole waiting for virtual Axl Rose to finish a virtual episode of Rugrats in his virtual dressing room before he goes on. The sights, the sounds, the smells, it’s all very real – warts and all.

And this will all be a reality soon, well a virtual reality at least. Johnny Depp and Russel Crowe are currently beta testing the latest, near complete software. They are said to be on the 30th week of a 11 week tour, they just can’t stop rocking. Bruce Willis was in the original pilot program called “Project Bruno” but it is rumored that he would not return any of the equipment until his wine cooler demands were met. The project coordinators hope to have the software ready in a couple months. They pray it will be enough time to get to Shia Labeouf. He is said to be working on an album.

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