Dan Quayle May Resume Suspended Bid for Republican Presidential Nomination

quayleDan Quayle is said to be prepping a team to resume his suspended campaign for the 2000 Republican nomination for President. Representatives for the former Vice President have invited the media to a press conference in Scottsdale, Arizona on Monday.

Political insiders speculate that the former VP, US Representative and Senator from Indiana has already begun the long process of reanimating campaign staff and interns who have been kept alive in a vegetative state of suspended animation since Quayle finished 8th in the Ames, Iowa Straw Poll in 2000.

Quayle famously said of George W. Bush that “We do not need another candidate who needs on-the-job training” and he is likely to repurpose that same slogan against frontrunner businessman Donald Trump and rookie senators Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. He also has crates of mothballed t-shirts with the slogan in storage.

Bill Krystal, of the Weekly Standard and permanent shit eating grin sufferer, said “I believe that Quayle is just stupid enough for today’s America where education, facts and logic are no longer considered conservative values and are seen as the scarlet letter of a Washington insider. He has a lot to offer that the current Republican candidates do not. He has a wealth of experience, he’s a spritely 69 years old and a military veteran. He has nearly as many folksy public speaking snafus as the beloved GW Bush, he’s not afraid to spell potato the way he wants, he doesn’t let those fat cats at Merriam-Webster tell him how to spell and he has publicly stated that homosexuality is a choice adding ‘the wrong choice’ to that comment! What candidate is a better fit for the 2016 Republican primary? This is the candidate Joe the Plummer wants to shotgun a beer with!”

Quayle’s speech at a fund raiser hosted by the infamous libertarian leaning Koch brothers two years ago is now being reexamined. There he repeated his infamous line “I have made good judgements in the past. I have made good judgments in the future” adding “now is the future! Global warming is a problem of the past! I could be the president of the past who can run in the future against the problems of yesteryear!”

We reached out to Quayle via his GeoCities website and Friendster accounts which have been updated recently but our requests for an interview went unanswered. We also tried to contact Murphy Brown but apparently she is not a real person.


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