Primary Voters Overwhelmed by Wealth of Evils to Choose the Lesser Of


“We’ve been blessed with an embarrassment of riches this primary season,” Roseanne Reynolds, an Iowa Republican who plans to vote in the upcoming primary.

Her sentiment echoed that of many other self-identified Republicans in early primary states who find themselves tasked with the burden of picking the lesser of a varietal cornucopia of evils.

Here’s some of the feedback we’ve been hearing from registered Republicans.

“I like Carly Fiorina but when you break it down she tanked Hewlett-Packard and was fired herself after a misguided merger with Compaq and was behind massive layoffs.”

“Chris Christie seems like a tough leader who has overcome the restrictions of his lap band surgery but he’s used a state helicopter to attend his kids’ little league games, he clearly had a hand in the bridge shutdown and his bromance with that petulant child Obummer bothers me.”

“Ted Cruz is interesting but he’s an inverted anchor baby and has a ever salivating mouth like a Thundercats villain.”

“Marco Rubio has his own problems with saliva management.”

“Jeb seems fairly sane and even tempered which is refreshing! However, he also is kinda dopey, like his brother, and is very low energy.”

“Trump is such a great riches to rags to riches story and he’s got the support of Sarah Palin which means a lot to me. It concerns me that he’d govern like a fascist tyrant but anything is better than King Obama and Hillary and I like that he has no experience and wouldn’t answer to any special interests but his own.”


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