Why Do Elderly Celebrities with a History of Drug Abuse Keep Dying?!

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I just don’t understand what’s going on! There has to be some kind of conspiracy!

They keep dying. One after another and I’m not alone when I say that I think there may be some foul play at work. Let’s break down what has happened just in the last month:

  • First, the seemingly unkillable Lemmy Kilmister of Motorhead passed. The man notoriously drank a half gallon of Jack Daniels a day for 40+ years. He also regularly started his day with a heroic dose of speed. In fact, he loved the drug so much he named his band after a slang term for a speed user. Then, all of a sudden, he dies. That is very un-Lemmy like and suspicious.
  • Next came David Bowie. Bowie seemed otherworldly and if he wasn’t immortal he surely had an alien’s lifespan and he would outlive us mere mortals. He also had a notorious period of crippling heroin addiction and is clearly using cocaine in this video he made with Mick Jagger.
  • The third was Dan Haggerty, the beloved star of the 70’s hit Grizzly Adams who was an avid cocaine aficionado and seller. Now all of a sudden at age 74 we’re supposed to accept that he’s dead?! Pish posh!
  • Fourth is the most damning of all. Keith Richards is one of rock and roll’s most notorious bad boys. Heroin, booze, cocaine, he’s done them all and lived to tell. Or so we were lead to believe. This week reliable reports from InfoWars say that he actually died 3 years ago at the age of 69 but thanks to a potent drug cocktail, some old fashioned Louisiana voodoo and concert promoters who stood to lose a lot of money in a world without Keith Richards his reanimated corpse has been jet setting around the globe, propped up by Mick Jagger, a team of roadies and various hangers-on who have become proppers-up.
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Ronnie is worried that the Richards corpsequin is going to fall backwards but Mick, always on the ball, has his back… literally!

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Friends and bandmates embrace between songs, this mortal coil and the sweet release of death.

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Two friends who refuse to give their best mate up to death’s grip on the red carpet!

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The parasite Richards began stealing Mick’s strength as early as their mid-60’s.

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Look, ma! No strings! Not guitar strings… puppet strings! Here we see the unattended corpse of Keith falling forward. The Jim Henson workshop had some real explaining to do after this rock and roll snafu .

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It’s Weekend at Keith’s as the corpse puppet plays “Satisfaction” to the satisfaction of the audience.

So what can we do? Let us know in the comments if you have any ideas on how to stop this celebricide!

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