UTAH – Emboldened by the brave patriotic Oregon militia led by Ammon Bundy, sympathetic Baskin-Robbins franchisees have instructed all their ice cream outlets to march on Zion National Park in southern Utah and claim it as the largest, most beautiful, natural ice cream parlor on earth.
“Our National Parks are being scooped up by militia groups and we just wanted to get into the action” reported Nigel Travis of Dunkin’ Brands. “We’ll be armed to the teeth with all the 31 flavors God has graced us with, offer service to anyone who wants ice cream and vigorously defend our ice cream freedoms!” Nigel added.
The trek is expected to begin in mid-January and the journey is expected to last several months. Despite Nigel’s claims, no other corporation has tried to occupy or refrigerate a National Park, let alone one the size of Zion.
You may recall the name Nigel Travis, he is no stranger to grand plans. Last August he led an unsuccessful partnership with Sea World that would provide large ice cream cakes to birthday parties with real live killer whales inside. No children were hurt in the pilot program but Sea World has 4 diabetic whales on their hands now. “I now know that children aren’t ready for ice cream whale cakes yet. I still need to work out logistics for that. In comparison, Zion will be a cake walk. See what I did there?” Nigel remarked.