MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE – The FBI has released a statement that they are eagerly looking for a “peaceful” end to their standoff with any of the militia members occupying the Oregon refuge that can prove their family lineage is not African, Middle Eastern, Asian or associated with any Muslim sect or Occupy Wall Street group.
Daniel MacCallum, spokesperson for the FBI spoke to us, “Things are developing really fast and we want to take our time to make sure these guys are really true American patriots and not just terrorists disguised in cowboy hats and blue jean jackets. This is a serious situation and, if they are patriots, they deserve our respect. If they are found to be Middle Eastern terrorists or a fringe minority group responding to Obama’s constant race baiting we will drop the Eagle’s Heel on these scumbags with great prejudice.
This is a really complicated situation and we’re at an impasse. We can’t just go spraying them in the eyes with pepper spray or mace while they sit peacefully because they don’t look like your typical dirty hippies who can waste a weekday protesting and not working, they’re caucasian males who look like beloved country artists wasting weekdays protesting when they should be working. They’re not black so just shooting them without cause is unfortunately out of the question, even if they are conveniently armed. They’re not Mexican so we can’t call in Trump Patio and Paver, Inc to just wall them off. They’re not Muslim so we can’t call in a drone strike. So until we know what we’re dealing with we have to treat these people with all the respect and blind justice afforded only to white males in this country.
We know some Pinko Commie citizens are concerned that we may be dealing with domestic terrorists and we want everyone to know we are looking at everything that may identify them as such before we proceed. Is there a copy of the Quran on the property? That would be a sign. Really, any book that’s not a Bible is reason to suspect we’ve got foreign terrorists on our hands. Is there a Bernie Sanders sign on their lawn? Have they ever donated to Planned Parenthood? That would suggest leftwing radical terrorists worthy of our jackboots. Have any of their family members been gunned down by law enforcement? Have they been subjected to excessive police force of any kind? Do they look different? These are all tells.
Terrorists just use fear, intimidation and their weapons to force their will upon a nation. They don’t bother with campaigns to change the minds of the population or bother to run for office and get elected to make change, they just pick up a weapon and intimidate people until the will of the people is bent to match their twisted ends. But patriots, on the other hand, know that the 2nd amendment gives them the right to take up arms against the government if they have a grievance of any kind, even those that would probably be more appropriate to fight in a court of law, through the media or by running for office on a campaign centered around the changes they wish to make. The 2nd amendment is an excellent shortcut for these white patriots with pure DNA to make political changes at bullet speed. Just so long as they have a normal name like Ammon and wear a Canadian tuxedo and a cowboy hat so we know they’re a good guy and not some trouble maker.”