AMERICA, THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING – The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future were once again working overtime on Christmas Eve visiting miserly bosses, CEOs and board members to show them the folly of their greed and the cruelty they inflict on their employees. Early reports, unfortunately, are that the ghosts failed to scare the decision makers at Walmart, one of America’s biggest welfare queens, into being decent human beings yet again this year.
The ghosts are said to employ a number of tactics that they’ve perfected over their decades of visiting douchebags on Christmas Eve. Like charts and grafts explaining how a living minimum wage is actually good for the economy and their business, visits to employees working 70+ hour weeks over two jobs yet barely having enough after bills to feed their children, employees coming to work sick and how that effects productivity if not their fucking black hearts, evictions, depression and finally the revelation that they will most assuredly be going to hell to spend all of eternity being scorched by an never ending eternal fire fueled by their precious stockpiles of cash that they couldn’t possibly spend if they lived 100 lifetimes.
However, despite using these previously fool proof techniques, the same ones that turned Ebenezer Scrooge into a philanthropist and beloved community leader, the WalMart board of executives and Walton family remain unmoved and just as shitty as they were on the 23rd.
Tiny Tim, an adorable disabled child whose ill health has ruined his family’s savings and financial stability with their meager health insurance and wages from working at Walmart had a closing Holiday message to the board and family of the nation’s largest employer: “A Merry Christmas to us all; God bless us, everyone… except the Walton family, you American dream destroying pieces of shit!” Aww! From the mouths of babes.