WALL STREET – A group of CEOs representing some of the nation’s biggest fast and quick-service food restaurants held a press conference this afternoon to announce they would be slashing their own take-home pay.
Spokesman Mortimer Bloomingpants told the crowd “For years now we’ve been telling the Occupy Wall Street people and the Fight for $15 people that if we raised their wages to a dollar figure that was fair, compassionate and allowed them the dignity to pay their rent AND food bills every month that it would be pointless because the price of other goods and services would skyrocket and they’d be right back to square one in short order. Well, we still believe that is true so we decided to look at our books to see where else we could cut the fat and help these folks. When we found our own bloated, outrageous salaries that we CEOs were taking home we were appalled! Look at some of these numbers broken down, assuming a 40 hour work week:
- Chipotle co-CEO Montgomery Moran: $13,489 an hour
- Chipotle co-CEO Steven Ells: $13,471 an hour
- Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz: $10,285 an hour
- Yum! Brands CEO David Novak: $4,795 an hour
- Wendy’s CEO Emil Brolick: $3,645 an hour
- Domino’s CEO Patrick Doyle: $3,571 an hour
- Dine Equity CEO Julia Stewart: $2,766 an hour
- Panera Bread CEO Ronald Shaich: $1,292 an hour
How can a reasonable human being possibly justify that kind of pay when you know how much suffering your own hardworking employees are enduring just to feed their children? If you think about it this way – if the two Chipotle CEOs decided to be team players and work for a generous $15 an hour that would free up over an extra dollar, per hour, for nearly 27,000 employees or 2 dollars for 13,500 employees. We are confident that as soon as all the CEOs in our group change their take home pay to a very reasonable, almost exorbitant $10 an hour that it will have a huge impact, reversing inflation and give everyone more purchasing power at their current wages.”
The changes are said to kick in about 30 seconds after the CEOs wake up following an eventful visit from three ghosts in the middle of the night on Christmas eve.