Hello, internet I’m a 19 year old male college student from Montana interning at TSBtN! Please be gentle when I admit this but I have never seen a Star Wars movie in my entire life. What can I say? I was raised by hippie parents off the grid – no TV, no Xbox and no movies except for Christmas when we’d watch Wes Anderson films on a battery powered Super 8 projector with no audio.
So the This Should Be The News editorial staff wanted to get my honest, uniquely unbiased opinion of the new Star Wars movie – the Force Awakens based on nothing but this movie poster:
So let’s start clockwise from the upper left. First we have a guy who looks like an EDM DJ wearing a cloak or monk’s robes and he’s holding a sword that he just forged in a really hot furnace so I’m going to assume that’s a welder’s mask and he’s the Star Wars swordsmith. I’m going to call him Smitty.
Next we have a cute pole vaulter and she looks like she’s ready to vault over something big. Maybe set a state record? Galaxy record? How big are the school districts in Star Wars? She isn’t too buff so I doubt she’s the best on the planet. Yet. I think the Awakening is her becoming a better track and field competitor.
Whoa! Is that a Poke Ball from Pokemon?! I think it is but it’s the size of a planet. I don’t know a ton about Pokemon but I used to play it over a friend’s house before my mom found out. I hear there’s a big secret in the third act of the movie, I bet it’s Pikachu.
You’ve got a guy in a cool leather jacket holding a fluorescent light bulb at a weird angle. Maybe they’re doing maintenance on a spaceship and he’s lighting up the part that needs repair.
Now there’s a dog holding a crossbow that shoots lasers and the whole crossbow part looks completely aesthetic. I’m sure they have a good explanation for that really inconveniently shaped weapon.
Now you’ve got what looks like a plated robot except for the midsection that is completely exposed with really bad wiring, like an amateur did it. You think those important looking wires would be protected or at least bundled up in a neat and tidy way.
There’s the dancing old guy from the Six Flags commercials with a couple more robots.
An angry dwarf who looks to be a pilot or something.
An old guy with a gun and a lady with a facelift.
Flying triangles, flying H’s, flying garbage can lid.
White asthmatic soldiers, likely using some special Apple plastic they use on the old iPods with a silver soldier that looks like a villain from Flash Gordon. I understand the shiny one is a woman and that’s a big deal since females rarely get roles where you can’t tell their gender or something else a magazine told me was important. I’m sure she will do a lot of cool stuff on screen though and contribute in a huge way.
Ships flying away from something that blew up. I’ve never seen Star Wars but I know they have blown up a Death Star at least twice already so it can’t be that. I’m sure they’re flying away from the past and into a completely new original adventure!
So that’s it! I give this movie, based on never seeing Star Wars before or after this review, a 4 out of 5 Death Stars! Looks like it has a lot of cool stuff going on! I might just have to see it! Live long and prosper, USA, sweep the leg!