NORTH POLE – Of the many world leaders that assembled in Paris for the 2015 United Nations Climate Change Conference one who was able to slip by the international news reporters and paparazzi was the unelected fascist leader of the North Pole for the past hundred-plus generations, Santa Claus. Santa’s territory at the top of the world is populated only by himself, his wife and a native elf population that he has enslaved in the service of his annual Christmas propaganda give away that he uses to “bad-shame” children who do not conform to his tyrannical, Judeo-Christian fascist ideology of what constitutes acceptable behavior. He is said to have a literal list of “bad boys” and “bad girls” that only he, an unelected foreigner with no children of his own, can add to. He keeps and uses the list to manipulate and bad-shame children into conforming to his own twisted definition of what “bad” and “good” are.
And he and his people are suffering. Rapidly melting icecaps and glaciers, accelerated by unlimited fossil fuel consumption, take an especially cruel toll on those that make their living in the harsh ice desert environment of the poles. Harsh even for those who have an army of supernatural elves, flying, hypersonic reindeer of tremendous strength and stamina and magic dust that can at the very least slow time and shrink both sentient beings and inanimate objects alike.
Santa, to his credit, with evidence pooling up, quite literally, around him and his kingdom has decided to come to the table and talk with other leaders about what they can collectively do about climate change and coming clean about their past practices that brought us to this boiling point.
Which leads us back to his list of “bad” children. See, Santa doesn’t just ignore a child who has been “bad” or “naughty” he purposely leaves them a hunk of coal much like a Real Housewife may leave a fistful of pennies for a waiter they didn’t care for. “I’ve given coal to millions of children over the centuries but none more than to Charles and David Koch. At first they earned it, they were ruthless in their dealings even as children. Swindling the other kids out of lunch money by getting into the tater tot business and slowly muscling out other vendors with low prices only to raise them back up as soon as their competitors had left the market.” Santa confessed.
St. Nick continued “So they got coal, lots of it, they DESERVED it. And they used it to create a whole new business selling it to fuel boy scout fires and tiny model trains. It came to the point they started asking the mall Santa for coal and I, and I’m not proud of this, became their supplier, I created a monster, I was trading them coal for microchips, LCD screens and Apple, Sony and other brand name logos to make our counterfeit toys.”
Santa told us that in a changing world hobby horses and simple red wagons were no longer on most kids Christmas lists and he and the elves struggled to keep up with changing tastes and advancing technology. “Basically, all the stuff my elves have trouble manufacturing in my magic workshop we were getting in trade for our overabundance of coal and for that I’m sorry. The money was too quick, too easy and frankly I kind of got off back then on giving kids coal.”
Santa is said to be revealing even more in his upcoming tell all memoir “From Saint to Celsius – How Behavior-Shaming ‘Bad’ Children Changed the World’s Shorelines.”