Trump Wants All Muslims to Wear Black Hats and Grow Twirly Mustaches

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Republican front runner for the party’s presidential nomination, Donald Trump, announced at a rally that if elected he would block all Muslims from entering the United States as well as require them to wear a black hat and shape their mustaches between their index finger and thumb into a long, twirling point.

The gathered crowd erupted into cheers and threw their “Make America Great Again” hats into the air with joy at the sound of his words.

Trump elaborated, “These complicated questions demand simple, ham-fisted answers so I propose cutting off access to the country for everyone who is Muslim, unless they are willing to lie for a moment and say they are Christian just to get into the country – there’s probably not much we could do about a plan that devious but we have to try. Of course I still want to build a huge wall with lots of bricks and other fantastic construction materials. Further I propose stationing court stenographers in every mosque in the country so we know what they’re doing and finally handing out, at a very small expense to the Muslim community, “Make America Great Again” black hats and mustache wax after their prayer services that they will be required to wear. We’re going to work with some of the best, brightest haberdashers and mustache wax manufactures to get a fabulous deal for the Muslims. They’re going to love these fantastic hats and wax.

Listen, there are a lot of really, really, really great Muslim people and I even let a lot of them work for me along with my blacks but there’s also a lot of them that are ‘bad guys’ and ‘bad guys’ need to always wear black so it’s easy for law enforcement to identify them when they try and buy guns or get onto planes. Additionally I’m going to issue white cowboy hats to all the good guys so they can be identified and you can feel good about them waving their guns around. To me and my supporters the solution to a lot of our problems is really just as obvious as black and white or brown and white.”

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