F. Scott Fitzgerald who once said there are no second acts in American life apparently never met one Theodore “Ted” Nugent. The rocker who found fame first with the Amboy Dukes has not written a single note of relevant music since his time with the Damn Yankees but that hasn’t stopped him from desperately rambling his way back into fame’s bright, warm spotlight.
The clean living Nugent takes great pride in the fact that his brain has never been polluted or damaged by illicit drugs or alcohol. His bright, sharp mind was firing on all synapses when he conceived classic rock radio staples like “Wang Dang Sweet Poon Tang,” “Wango Tango,”Cat Scratch Fever,” and “Yank Me, Crank Me.”
During those days the spotlight on Theodore was shinning so bright that he was able to wear little more than a loan cloth; stalking the stage with his guitar, often pausing to dry hump the phallic instrument like he and it were gay lovers unashamed to show their love for each before the whole world. This was long before Rob Halford of Judas Priest would come out to the heavy metal world. Ted was breaking new ground with his gay caveman rocker act and America was eating it up.
He would later take on the cause of hunters and outdoorsmen by at first sticking to traditional game, claiming that he was following the example of Native Americans. He said he admired their sustainable lifestyle and when he killed he would use the whole “beast” from the hide to the hoof. We learned that he also had several Native names: Chief Runs From Draft and Sleeps With Minors.
In fairness Ted could have gone by the name Chief Shits In Pants because that’s exactly what the chickenhawk Nugent did to defraud the country he loves when it was his turn to visit the draft board. He famously arrived with crusted feces and urine on his jeans and was dismissed. The dismissal is truly a shame, if you were to believe Ted’s tales of machismo he likely could have single handedly won the war and saved thousands of lives.
As for the name Sleeps With Minors it is a well-known fact that Ted enjoyed the company of girls as young as 13 and detailed the fact on wax in his song “Jailbait.” He also managed to get the parents of a 17 year old to sign over power of attorney to Ted so that he could become her legal guardian. One imagines this confused her when Ted would inevitably ask her “who is your daddy?”
So where has Ted been now that he can’t write a song to save his life? Well, as the warm glow of the spotlight faded he put on more animal pelts. He started hunting more exotic animals and he’s made a second career out of threatening the life of a sitting president, calling for the murder of liberals and just being the swell guy he always has been. Whenever Ted is feeling irrelevant or whenever he picks up a guitar and is unable to pen the next “Wango Tango” he gets on the phone with one of his conservative radio buddies and says something inflammatory to get his jollies. Waving his fist and his flag while calling for a military coup of the representative government that didn’t vote to his satisfaction.
He may never get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame but for an old guy he’s a Hall of Fame level internet troll.