HEAVEN – A visibly tired and frazzled Almighty took to a gilded podium this afternoon to admit that s/he has been overwhelmed processing a preponderance of personal petition prayers for matters ranging from the petty to the ponderous. Thoughts and prayers have only increased in popularity in recent years, having a snowball effect on the antiquated system used when the population of the earth was smaller and less self-absorbed.
The earth shook and God spoke:
“It used to be you’d just get mainly legitimate, serious prayers with the occasional request for something I never agreed to help humans with like getting the cute girl you met while whittling your spear tip to notice you but they were infrequent and it was manageable, even a bit endearing. Then came the invention of the mirror and people got a little more bold, then mass media came along and it was no longer just children and low information voters petitioning me for selfish reasons and, admittedly, I got miffed but again, it was within my powers to sort the legitimate prayers from the junk mail.
However, fast forward to today and you’ve got social media comes and now I’m getting hit with thoughts AND prayers? It’s a double whammy, if I’m going to be a fair and just God I have to look at both the thought and the prayer plus I need to scale up to handle the viral effect of the social media vanity thoughts and prayers. It’s madness!
Truth be told I’m still dealing with stuff from the 70’s. People may be made in my perfect image and likeness but some of them aren’t too bright. They don’t know they’re watching a movie and pray for the cast of the Towering Inferno to make it out alive. I gotta check on that, I’m God. They’ll pray for my main man, Ernie Borgnine, in the Poseidon Adventure, the actors in Hurricane, Earthquake and then there’s the TV movies like Heatwave, Fire! and Flood! Those all have to be addressed by me personally. I am embarrassed to say that I’m terrified of what I’ll find when I catch up to Friendster and email chain letters.”
God summarized his frustrations thusly “Listen, I know you want to impress your friends with your thoughtfulness and I know life feels out of control sometimes but you can’t just turn to me for every goddamn little thing. Buck up and handle your business. I have a whole universe to keep building. Think of it this way: you wouldn’t call 911 for a hangnail and you wouldn’t call 911 every time you see a news report of a tragedy so when in doubt ask yourself if this worth a 911 call. I’m one busy deity.”
As we were leaving Yahweh stopped us to add “Oh. And there’s nothing wrong with prayer shaming a hypocrite, they’re the worst offenders.”