Suicide Bombers Being Told That Afterlife is Like “Being Charlie Sheen in a Two and a Half Men Rerun”

twoandahalfQ: What do Charlie Sheen and extremists have in common? A: Apparently a healthy sex drive. Following a successful raid on a terrorist training camp intelligence agents were shocked to discover stacks of “Two and a Half Men” DVDs.

Agents were confused by the seemingly out-of-place discovery of the Charlie Sheen vehicle that celebrates the show’s star’s hedonistic western lifestyle of sex, drugs and more sex. They managed to gather information from one of the captured would-be human bomb trainers and learned the DVDs were used as motivational tools.

Mr. Albaginai, the terrorist school superintendent admitted “We used to tell these kids they’d get 30 virgins, then we upped it to 60, finally 72… but that stopped working. They’d ask questions like ‘where are all these virgins going to come from if we’re averaging one bombing a day?’ or ‘How many virgins do I really need anyways? I can could get by with 7 virgins, one for each day of the week. Can I just post #Death2America on Twitter and get 7 virgins?’ Others would say ‘we don’t want virgins, we want porn stars and European models who are completely emotionally detached and willing to have by-the-numbers sex with men they are repulsed by’ so we had to rethink our motivational tactics.”

Enter Two and  a Half Men. Albaginai explains “so we started introducing Two and a Half Men to the curriculum. I’d say ‘see how Charlie is juggling two sex-crazed nymphos? That could be you. Or you could live a normal life and end up like John Cryer.’ and that would really scare them into kamikaze shape.”

Turns out that the same carrot that motivates young men to step in front of a camera, pick up a guitar or a baseball bat are the same that motivate them to strap a bomb to themselves. Mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

 

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