INDIANAPOLIS – Subway pitchman and criminal pervert, Jared Fogle has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for his various crimes ranging from sex with a minor to trafficking child pornography. His long trial has strained one of the nation’s favorite pastimes and it’s capacity to make new prison rape jokes, especially those involving submarine sandwiches of varying lengths and prices forcefully inserted into a variety of Fogle’s body cavities.
The United States Federal Commissioner of Chain Emails and Internet Memes admitted that despite the American population taking great perverse pleasure in fantasizing and joking about seemingly endless weaponized vigilante sex justice scenarios going on behind the bars of the country’s most dangerous prisons Jared’s long trial brought us dangerously close to the brink of prison rape joke bankruptcy. “This is a crisis on par with a baseball strike or an apple pie shortage.” said the chair to media after the sentencing.
However, now that Jared is safely behind bars we can begin to heal and recharge our healthy, comedic and karmic prison rape scenarios. We can daydream that he arrives to hulking, angry, violent men waiting for him on his first day. Mercilessly preying upon him while he eats lunch, while in the shower, while he tries to sleep until he is eventually made into someone’s prison bitch. Why, I’m already thinking of a funny one involving a submarine sandwich!
Isn’t it a relief to know that when the American judicial system doesn’t give us satisfaction that our broken penal system will make things right with it’s violent brand of penile double jeopardy?