MOSCOW, RUSSIA – Edward Snowden and his attorney were ecstatic earlier today when they received word from the United States Embassy that President Barack Obama has given him a full pardon and he will be awarding him the Congressional Medal of Freedom for his actions in a ceremony at the White House and declassifying all of the documents that Snowden leaked, making them public records.
President Obama elaborated on his sudden change of heart:
“I’ve been reading a lot of internet forums in my free time and there was a common thread among those that wanted to bring Edward to justice. They would say insightful things like ‘since I have nothing to hide I don’t mind the NSA listening to every word me and my family say’ or ‘I’m not doing anything illegal so I’m not worried about big brother.’ The logic of those folk’s arguments is, frankly, bulletproof, especially when the commenter would tack on a deep thought like ‘if you’re so upset about the NSA maybe they should be spying on you!’
So I applied that same ironclad logic to the United States government and what the NSA is doing. Since we feel we’re doing nothing wrong, or illegal for that matter, we feel that it’s our duty to open up all our files and declassify all our methods and techniques we use to gather information. We’re confident that every single item on that list is constitutional and that every American, even Alex Jones, is going to think they’re just peachy keen and be grateful for our efforts. Further, our allies in the United Nations will likely think they’re swell and be really happy that we took these not all invasive, immoral or paranoid precautions.”