MILWAUKEE, WI – The fourth Republican presidential debate is being held this week on the Fox Business channel and the channel is feeling the pressure to both match ratings and appease the fickle candidates’ whims. Previous debates have been plagued with complaints from the field and from the Republican National Committee about everything from the length of the debates to the type of questions asked. However, Fox Business channel has an idea that they hope everyone will love – wind power!
Specifically hot air generated by the blathering presidential hopefuls as they pathologically lie about their background story, make up their own facts on the fly, berate the working poor and immigrants, spout bigoted rhetoric, blame Obama for their marriage and call each other names like they were schoolyard bullies.
Fox Administer of Propaganda, Thurston Peckenpaw, issued a press release that said
“We concede that it’s unlikely we can live up to the ratings bonanza that was the previous debates and we cannot guarantee that Ben Carson will say something like Stonehenge was where a giant cyclops kept his contact lens while he slept at night or that Trump will put Jeb in a headlock and give him a noogie but what we can do is produce the first ever carbon neutral presidential debate!
If these candidates have proven anything during this campaign it’s that they can spew a seemingly perpetual supply of potent bullshit from their ever moving maws. We intend on harnessing that power with a variety of windmills in front of each podium. Those windmills will power the cameras, lights, satellite feed and production equipment. The runoff energy will be distributed back to the grid and we estimate will be plentiful enough to power the Schlitz beer bottling facility down the road.”
Insiders say that a waterwheel was originally planned to harness the hydraulic energy of Ted Cruz’ ever-salivating mouth but the prototype was overwhelmed in tests at a Cruz Rally in Des Moines.