HOUSTON, TX – Executives for ExxonMobil are scrambling today to explain a TSBtN exclusive report that they have been lobbying 5th, 6th and 7th grade science students working on research that could be damaging to oil interests, wooing them with lavish gifts to either encourage them to change the “results” panel of their science fair poster boards or to not experiment at all in energy, climate or fossil related fields.
Executives would pick up students from school in Cadillac Escalade limousines loaded with state of the art video games, Mt. Dew Code Red and obnoxious sound systems playing stupid popular music like Katy Perry, Charli XCX or other vapid artists that pollute the air with their tripe. From there they would take them on lavish shopping sprees at Spencer Gifts, Hot Topic and Game Stop where they would buy them everything from the latest video games and consoles to band t-shirts to sexually suggestive novelty wind-up toys and dildonics. iPhones and gadets were also a popular handout for especially bright and ethical students. Ethical students were considered especially problematic for caring about the future and the health of their neighbors and they were despised by Exxon. Rather than change results lobbyists encouraged them to study other fields of science, going so far as to have a shop in China pre-manufacture hundreds of scale model volcanoes for kids with a last minute change of heart; after all you don’t need a science fair project to prove the hypothesis that every kid is born to love volcanoes.
It is still too early to tell how much these efforts have stunted research and development of alternate fuels or energy policy in the United States but Exxon has some serious questions that it will have to answer. Greenpeace has already suggested that the EPA take away the execs cell phones and video game privileges as well as a strictly enforced curfew that starts as soon as the street lights come on.