CAPITOL HILL – Outgoing Speaker of the House John Boehner seems to have some conditions of his own as he leaves the job, just like his proposed successor, Paul Ryan, does as he steps into it. Specifically, Speaker Boehner wants to pass down not just the title Speaker of the House but also his mighty enchanted oversized gavel which he calls Fjilibuster.
Speaker Boehner spoke:
My mighty gavel Fjilibuster doth have many magical properties. For it can block any mortal bill from going up for a vote despite widespread support of both parties and a nigh majority of Americans, furthermore it can smite that dark ogre Obama from across the beltway, it can summon waters and rains in the form of my salty Boehner tears and most importantly of all it knows who doth attempt to wield it’s might! For if the gavel does not sense that ye be worthy to lift it and lead it shall doth become as immobile as a frost giant! That unworthy wretch will be unable to lift it and wave it around like a giant extension of the netherworlds of their loin cloth, like I, the Mighty Boehner do.
I propose we have a ceremony with wenches and mead, we shall gather all the Republican elders and several actors dressed as our favorite mortal superheroes, perhaps invite the Pope, see what he’s up to, let him know the Mighty Boehner has been praying for he, and see if Representative Ryan is indeed capable of the godly responsibility this job, and more importantly this bitchin’ gavel, possess!