Playboy Promises Readers: 100% Organic, Gluten-Free Playmates by March 2016

Kendra_Wilkinson,_Bridget_Marquardt_and_Hugh_HefnerLOS ANGELES, CA – Hugh Hefner’s venerable Playboy magazine, which has featured models in various states of undress since it’s debut in 1953, shocked the world with it’s announcement that it will be switching it’s focus from heavily Photoshopped images of nude, nigh-identical buxom blondes to focusing on girls who are more representative of the American populace. Per Cory Jones, an editor at the magazine:

“Since the mid ’90’s Playboy’s centerfolds have been injected with botulism, surgically enhanced by silicone, had their short hairs submerged in bleaching agents and been given tracking implants so that various members of the Caan family of actors can know their whereabouts. However, we’ve decided these trends have become passe and are moving towards a more radical vision of the ideal female form – human.

Naturally we will still feature some of the world’s most beautiful women but they will be allowed to showcase some of the features that make them unique. Things like shorter hair, medium length hair, brown hair, black hair, red hair, perhaps… and let’s not get ahead of ourselves here but perhaps pubic hairs! We understand some human beings have brown and green eyes so we are encouraging girls with those irregular features to take out their color changing contact lenses and let their genetic mutation shine.

We’ve also done some research that suggests that some women can be attractive if they’re over 100 lbs. We’re skeptical about that but are hiring some focus groups to get feedback. If it comes back we may consider running photos of these full figured gals that come in at 105 to 115 lbs.”

Adobe, the makers of the popular Photoshop photo editing application said they are considering legal action against the magazine for breach of contract. It is estimated that if Playboy stopped using their software they would need to eliminate several hundred jobs.

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