HEAVEN – While the debate about the 2nd amendment and gun control in the greatest nation in the whole history of everything continues to rage on in Washington and on social media an authority on the issue has decided to shed a little light on the subject. The specter of James Madison has assembled some of the founding fathers to revisit the Bill of Rights and update some of the language to adjust for societal changes and technology. Madison spoke to us through a medium:
“Look, a lot of this stuff we simply didn’t see coming. I mean, should a tank be registered like an automobile or should there be ‘no restriction’ on it because it’s a gun? It looks like a giant gun to me and by your National Rifle Association logic that makes it immune from regulation but I’m pretty sure none of your home owner associations are going to take kindly to a tank in the driveway. Furthermore, what is an automobile anyways? I died in 1836 and my body was carried away by a horse.
Are you living politicians so lazy or stupid that you need me to come back from the grave and hit you over the head with my gavel of logic? Imagine the time it’s going to take to get me up to speed. Try and explain a 3D printed gun to someone who has been dead a couple hundred years? That’s probably harder than coming back from the dead! Surely one of you has the common sense needed to realize that I wrote this stuff when it took 20 minutes to load a musket.
Look, here’s the deal – I died 30 years before the first commercial typewriter was invented and look how fast I was able to YouTube this video showing how hard it is to load a musket. So excuse me if I didn’t have a Magic 8 ball that would predict 20 round magazines would be widely available when I carried my musket balls in a goddamn leather satchel but my definition of arms is a little different from your’s.”
Madison also brought in Benjamin Franklin, John Adams and George Washington to work with him on the issues over several pints of ale. Our medium overheard Adams say “So what if I have a gun loaded with bullets laced with anthrax? I mean anthrax is an illegal poison that kills people but a gun is a helpful tool for killing people. Now that I have an illegal substance on my helpful tool is it no longer helpful or does the anthrax make it more helpful since it’s more effective in it’s purpose – killing?! This is infuriating!”
Washington decided to play devil’s advocate, per our psychic “Well, you can’t shout fire in a crowded theater and you can’t print something about someone that is untrue so obviously these rights are not completely absolute, at least anymore. There are laws against owning live grenades and they aren’t mentioned in the 2nd amendment. Who will stand up for the mighty grenade? A fine tool in any age!”
Benjamin Franklin chimed in, startling our clairvoyant “You know, while we’re doing this we should go ask God to straighten out all this Leviticus nonsense. After all I broke almost everyone one of those laws six ways to the Sabbath, joined a Hellfire Club and I still got to heaven. Look at my gut, I certainly didn’t pass through the eye of a needle. Are they out of date? Was he misquoted? I’m confused.”