Flood of New Star Wars Crap Ushers in a Golden Age for Bullies

Bully

9 out of 10 scientists agree that the best treatment for anyone who owns any of the crap in this photo, except the super cool action figures, is to punch them very, very, very hard in the stomach. Very hard.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN – The Target department store chain’s Force Friday kicked it off in September and it shows no signs of slowing down anytime soon. The market has experienced a flood of officially licensed Star Wars: The Force Awakens toys, towels, tchotchkes, tunics and toiletries. You have Star Wars pet beds, Star Wars human bedding, Star Wars Mr. Potatoheads, Star Wars Transformers that transform into Star Wars characters, you’ve got Star Wars toothpaste, Star Wars speakers, Star Wars children’s cereals…  Basically, if a consumer product exists, you can buy a Star Wars version of it.

However this rash of unfettered capitalism for kiddies does not come without a price. There are sons and daughters of reformed schoolyard bullies and they may not even know they have this power within them and are predisposed to wielding it’s power. This generation of sleeper noggin-knockers may have grown up in an America with prizes for participating, an America where it’s not a dodgeball, it’s a four square ball and perhaps they never smelled anything like the angst pheremone “teen spirit” but they can certainly smell bullshit and weakness oozing out of the pores of their peers. It’s this dork stench coming off of crappy Star Wars products that’s triggering these long dormant genes embedded in their DNA, igniting a fire in their hate-filled hearts.

Has your son or daughter experienced phantom punching sensations? Were their first words after “mama” “make me a sandwich, bitch?” Do they question things like “why are you punching yourself?” If you answered yes you may have a child with recessive bully genes.

If you think you have a bully-positive gene you are right to fear them. However, you cannot remove them from the presence of a child that’s a bully magnet. This is a natural phase, just as some children may show an aptitude for math, science, art, music or be a natural athlete some children are just put on earth to keep other children from buying ridiculous Star Wars crap like that big head giant Chewbacca plush toy in the picture. What the hell is that supposed to be anyways? There is no reason for that crap to exist so the bully-positive child serves as nature’s restorer of balance, keeping nonsensical items on the store shelves, out of homes and money firmly in the pockets of guilt ridden parents or damaged adults who feel compelled to own bullshit like that.  The bully-positive child can no more control their rage and desire to wedgie spoiled nerds with poor taste than a werewolf can control his or herself under a full moon. These ungodly amounts of awful merchandise act like a blazing full moon shining down on your manic, werechild and until balance is restored, one purple nurple at a time, they will lash out. As nature intended.

October is bully-positive awareness month. We encourage you to use the hashtag #BulliesArePeopleToo and wear black and blue ribbons on your lapel. Someday we hope that society will just accept that some people are assholes and open their hearts and finally answer that age old question “why are you punching yourself” with the appropriate answer “because I am weak, and you are strong and that’s okay.”

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