Cruz Promises Crowd If Elected He Will Vanquish Obamacare, Eat President’s Beating Heart

bloodycruz

Artist’s rendition of what Ted Cruz’s proposed inauguration celebration may look like.

DES MOINES, IA – Ever since Donald Trump entered, and has thus far dominated, the GOP presidential race and polls Republicans seem to be playing a never ending game of “can you top my rhetoric” as they caucus across the early primary states. Ted Cruz, who is no stranger to going against the grain of his own party or of not thinking before he speaks, addressed a crowd in Des Moines and made a historical campaign promise.

“If elected I promise the good people of Des Moines on day one that I will not only repeal Obamacare but I will take America back… starting with erasing Barack Hussein Obama from the earth!” he said as the Tea Party crowd of 27 or so roared their approval. “I will personally drive my fist into his chest cavity, remove his still beating heart and place it into my strange looking and perpetually salivating mouth. I will then take a giant bite out of it in full view of his daughters, his wife, his cabinet and what I would hope would be a record breaking C-SPAN audience! I will have Lee Greenwood perform “God Bless the USA” while I’m hunched over his dying body, biting into the minerally snack like an apple as his desperate pleas for me to replace his failed policies with something that will continue to ensure the health care needs of millions of Americans will be for not! Drowned out by a blistering guitar solo by the Motor City Mad Man Ted Nugent after Lee’s second Star Spangled chorus!”

Later that afternoon Marco Rubio gave a similar speech in Iowa City but in an effort to avoid plagiarism replaced the part about the president’s heart with his spleen and made an off color comment about the Dixie Chicks.

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