WASHINGTON D.C. – Pope Francis spoke before a joint session of Congress, the president’s cabinet and most of the Supreme Court earlier today. Since American English is not the native language of the pontiff and some struggled to understand his message so we have transcribed it for you here in it’s entirety.
“Dear friends, citizens of the United States, dearly departed souls and this pathetic hypocritical body of do-nothing, know-nothing partisan blowhards elected only by your ability to gerrymander the districts of your states into slices of like-minded zombie sycophants that would vote for anyone with either an R or a D next to their name and not because of your skill as a lawmaker or your backbone in defense of the constitution and your constituents. It is my honor to finally sit you all down, tell you all off and beg you to get back on track towards serving the nation. If you don’t sort out these issues I will send your souls to hell so fast it’ll make your lobbyists’ head spin like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. In fact, if I had the time I would bend you all over my knee for the firm spanking the childish behavior I have observed in this legislative body deserves.
So let’s chat a bit about climate change to start. I’ll go real slow since some of you mouth breathers don’t believe in evolution and as such still have cro-mag skulls that are so thick it takes a while for the information to penetrate the bone and get absorbed into your walnut sized frontal lobes. You don’t think climate change is man made?! You think man couldn’t have an effect on his environment?! You don’t trust scientists and academics but go with your gut, the body’s trash compactor? Why don’t you ask the buffalo how they feel about what man can do? Ask a Native American how quickly man can change the landscape of their planet. Ever seen a forrest in Europe? They used to have a lot! If you’re so convinced why don’t you go build a summer house near Chernobyl. Don’t worry about what the scientists say about the radiation, Pope Frankie says it’s safe for you if you close your eyes and say ‘nanner, nanner, I can’t hear you’ loud enough.
Speaking of Native Americans let’s talk immigration… look around. You all identify by hyphenated ethnicities. English-Americans, Irish-Americans, German-Americans, African-Americans… The only ones that aren’t identified by a hyphenated nationality are the “Native Americans” and I don’t see a single one of those dudes in this entire body so get off your high horse and figure this stuff out for Christ sake. You’re killing me over here. Do any of you have mirrors in your homes? You’re the product of immigration, are you so terrible that you wouldn’t let another you into the country? Wait… This is congress. That may be a bad example. Some of you are really despicable. I watch TMZ, there’s some sick freaks up in this mug. I digress.
So half of your citizens believe abortion should be outlawed yet the other half think it’s okay, especially in instances of rape or incest. I think abortion is whack as fuck, brah but whatever, Jesus said give to Caesar what belongs to Caesar. That basically means for you lay-folk that you should respect the law of the land you’re in and practice your brand of morality in your own life. What I don’t get is that 80% of you believe in the death penalty. What gives? You know those are just really old fetus who fucked up and lost their way, right, brah? What gives you the right to have someone executed? Who was unpopular, resigned and made you Pope? Not me! You gotta cut that shit out, yo. And what about these refugees from Syria? They are overgrown fetuses too. How about you give some love to those mo-fo’s? You people got your priorities all jacked up. I pray you can check yourself before you wreck yourselves. St. Peter is getting cramps in his hands writing down all your sins.
This shit ain’t rocket science. How hard is it to understand the Golden Rule? Treat others as you would want them to great you. Jesus put all 10 commandments in a Ninja blender for you, hit puree and spat out this lyrical smoothie. Is one goddamn commandment too hard for you to digest? Drink up your soul smoothie and cut the crap!
Anywhooooooo…. Believers and non-believers alike, I pray for you, and I hope you will pray for me or if you cannot pray you can send me your best wishes. May God bless all of you and may God bless America.
Oh, one last thing – to hell with that Kim Davis broad. Amen.”