MILKY WAY GALAXY – Galactic overlord and perpetual nemesis of the Church of Scientology, Xenu, is set to embark on a cross-country tour of American volcanoes scheduled to begin in late fall. Xenu will arrive in a DC-8 in hopes of dampening the impact of Pope Francis’ east coast USA tour. Xenu’s itinerary has not been made public and it is not known if he will be bringing billions of humans to stack around the volcanoes in a repeat of his command performance 75 million years ago when he incinerated them with hydrogen bombs. Xenu’s press agent Klandu hinted that in addition to human genocide, Xenu is looking forward to sampling some of Earth’s famous Italian shaved ice.
Scientologists who have not achieved OT III (Operating Thetan Level 3) are cautioned to ignore and avoid direct eye contact with Xenu. After all, the aroma of pumpkin spice lattes may have helped lure Xenu back to Earth prematurely and diversions like grumpy cat memes please this all-powerful spacefaring tyrant, rest assured, Lord Xenu remains steadfast in his commitment to the Galactic Confederacy’s mission of complete domination.